Trust Fall

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Being vulnerable to trust is ironically the first thing I learned from a business school when we were first forming our learning teams during our first day. And by being vulnerable meant that you have to share a part of yourself that you are not really comfortable sharing to complete strangers. Well, I’m okay with sharing, no biggie, but i have reservations with trusting. Probably now in a world that’s less caring, everyone is.

In my case, it traced back to x years ago when I graduated from high school and moved in to the Big Apple of the Philippines. That time, I found myself usually alone. I would walk alone in the campus, I’d eat alone. I wouldn’t talk unless I’m talked to. I was 17 and I was in that stage where my mind is in disarray and my heart is in turmoil. When you’re in a new surrounding far from the place that you grew up and even farther from the people you’re used to being with, what would you feel? I felt despondent, not caring about anyone or anything. I am my own world.  And then a certain someone who was irritatingly cheerful take notice of me and twisted my indifference. At first, I was nonchalant about it but before I even realized, I was already moving in his pace and I was already being drawn to him. We’ve had fun together. At least I thought, he was my first love and it was the first time that i thought i trusted someone after being out of my comfort zone. And It was also the first time I got betrayed.  Because apparently even the relationship that I thought we’ve had wasn’t even there in the first place. It was a painful reality to swallow. I was crazily depressed for quite some time and I almost fall into reclusion. I was magnificently torn apart. But while it’s true that no one can save you from yourself ergo the only one can save you is yourself. So one day, I started picking up the pieces of myself and held my ground. It was a dubious task but I somehow managed to slowly get rid of those tumultuous clouds that swirled in my head. I started opening up and managed to have friends, friends that I keep to this day. I still have trust issues then especially men. I’ve gone on dates with them but none flowed in a steady stream and that was perfectly and comfortably fine (until of course another certain someone came along but that’s an entirely different story). And looking back, I therefore conclude that you really have to meet the wrong people first before finally meeting the right one. But more importantly, giving is really receiving. You have to give a part of yourself for the other party to equate them. Well, you might give your trust to the wrong people, sure there are lots. But if that discouraged us and we guard ourselves all the time, we might miss the chance of giving it to the right people.

In one of my favorite books Tuesdays with Morrie, he has asked his class to perform a trust fall exercise, in which the students test one another’s trust and reliability by doing trust falls; Not one student can trust another until one girl falls without flinching. Morrie notes that the girl had closed her eyes.  You see, you close your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see; you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too — even when you’re in the dark, even when you’re falling. To trust someone is to close your eyes and fall back, hoping that the person your instincts have told you is trustworthy will catch you and keep you from harm.